i used to have a blog ... it was to old, i stopped writing it about a year ago and ive missed it to much, there is things about life you just need to write down to get out instead of telling your mates ... my main issue well its the well known relationship matter where to i start with it all really?? ... i have someone that is well how can i say this in a nice way?, i cant, he is fucked up from the drugs, well and truely, i didnt think dope could do that much damage to someone, but i supose after about 12 years of it solid, it really will start to play with your mind, i cant say i am an angel im not, i smoke it myself but i havent for that amount of time or am i planning to... he is a major flip, if you play fight with him and slap his leg in the wrong way thats it, he is up in arms and screaming and shouting at you, or as at the moment im not in the best state of conditions with some scary kidney problems he shows no effection towards you in a caring matter ive had enough and i think this is the only way i can let it out without really jumping of the bridge, that isnt just a saying at the moment, its actully the thoughts that have been running throught my head often, and no i dont think its beacause of the drugs, i think its becasuse of the situation i have got myself into that i cant really get out of now...
my dearest parents have fucked off, ive had a family fall out with them, which means the no go for going back to stay there, so in the mean time im resorting to my partners house, he still lives with his parents, but .... its a room over my head that i wouldnt have.

i cant stop mulling over past relationships, there is the stand out of paul, the violent one, the one that like to raise a hand to you, and with him trying to get back intouch at the moment its actully quite weird, and the well populated facebook hasnt really made things better, he has tried adding me on there, a suprise to me, but looking through photos from friends ive seen that him and his current whale have a strange thing of matching second names, now are they married or what, i supose i would have heard it through the grape vine, but still i want to no if its true or not, and im slightly jelous, i dont think i still love him i think it could be the good times that we did have sometimes that i miss, he was my really really first proper love, so i supose everyone will always hold a weird kinda thing for the first love? not stalking or anything like that but just a feeling towards them... its making me sad to see it actully.
or maybe its beacuse there happy and im not? ... i think that could really be the main reason.